Do not let the Devil know, as the Devil will trick you.

Why do we feel so elevated, so high, so pumped up as we have a rush of endorphins when we have completed our own challenging task or self-commitment we have embarked on ? From things like dieting, eating in a different way, finishing a course,to maybe aligning more with the things that call out to us !

Take a person that we know through time;  one that follows through on what they say. One that is consistent on what they promise us. We see them as having integrity. We quietly respect them, feeling they are reliable, safe, trusted, and solid.

When we interact with such individuals, we feel seen and important. It’s an unspoken understanding of a non -heart- break. A trust of the senses. When they break that integrity and trust time and time again, we feel betrayed, and no longer interested in investing time with them.

So it is for the Self as well.

….. I decided to fast during the full moon because I felt my internal organs were inflamed, my menstrual cycle had been irregular since my recent miscarriage, and I was unsure about my body’s state. Additionally, I wanted to honor the cacao ceremony that night and, admittedly, I felt my waistline had expanded recently, making my self-critical sensual side more vocal.

Then, I had an ice cream.

I knew full well that it would be the 1st day of the fast. That it is the day when I hold a cacao ceremony . AND yet..!? In full mind, I took this Icecream and ate it K N O W I N G  from the beginning that I will feel guilty and talk to myself bad- about it.

Did I at least enjoy it ? !

I do not even recall how it tasted, as I ate it out with my mind elsewhere. Not because it was not good..just because I knew !  I broke a promise towards myself. Not even for this most important thing, my health and the cacao ceremony was I able to have enough discipline.. enough commitment. So if not for something so simple,then what ?!

My mind can argue…oh its one small thing, yet I know how many small things in my life I am not really in integrity with. This list seems too long for the things that inspire me.

So, why does it feel so bad?

It roots down to - not having enough respect toward myself - to show I actually care enough. That I ! ME ! Am important enough that I dedicate my energy for myself. On the things that I decide to commit to. I am deceiving myself with stories in form of reasons when I feel the guilt that 1. I have done the opposite 2. I am pretending to be "all that together“.

As I sip on some herbal tea and write this text, knowing that this will not redeem me, I know I will try again tomorrow. But this time.. I will not let the Devil know, as the mind, can be very tricky. :)

In the meantime, for myself,  I remain with an inner request of shedding the impulses and replacing them with the burning Torch of Integrity which I hold so high of others.